In Which the Catholic Church Refuses to let me Defect

Well, well, dear readers. If you remember a few weeks back, I posted a blog about my attempted defection from the Catholic Church. A few days ago, I got a letter from the Milwaukee diocese (where I was born/baptized) saying that since I was no longer under their jurisdiction, my letter would be forwarded to the Columbus diocese (where I live now). I didn't think that was noteworthy, so I didn't post anything about it.


Today I got a response from the Chancellor of the Columbus Diocese.

I will transcribe it for you.

Dear Sarah:

Your notice of defection from the Catholic Church was forwarded to Bishop Frederick F. Campbell, Bishop of the Diocese of Columbus of which you are now a resident, from the Archdiocese of Milwaukee. I have been asked been asked by Bishop Campbell to respond to your declaration of defection on his behalf.

I wish to first express my sorrow that you have concluded that you desire to defect from the Catholic Church. It is apparent from your postal and email address that you are a student at The Ohio State University [Me: What?], and so I encourage you to seek to speak with a member of the clergy or staff at the St. Thomas More Newman Center to discuss further your concerns and resolution regarding the Catholic Church.

Regarding your notification of defection, I need to explain that it is true that with the implementation of the 1983 Code of Canon Law of the Catholic Church there was a process by which a person's notification of defection from the Catholic Church could be received and that notification would have the canonical effect of recognizing and recording such a defection. With the motu proprio Omnium in mentem, dated October 26, 2009, however, this procedure was removed from the Code with the effect that a person's declared defection can no longer be recognized by the Catholic Church. Given that your declaration was made on November 7, 2011, it is not possible for you to receive confirmation that your attempted defection will have canonical effect or be recorded in your baptism record.

Because of this change in the Canon Law of the Church and the resulting lack of canonical effect, it is equally true that you are prevented from seeking reconciliation with the Church and receiving the sacraments beyond seeking reconciliation with the Church and receiving the sacraments beyond celebrating the Sacrament of Confession. That being stated, any member of the Catholic clergy would certainly respect your declared desire not to receive the ministry of the Church and so it is particularly imporatnt that you communicate your desire to whoever might otherwise contact the Church so long as you persist in the desire declared in your declaration of November 7, 2011.

Sincerely yours,

    Very Reverend Shawn D. Corcoran

So...I have to follow Catholic rules, even though I'm not Catholic? I'm at a crossroads here, dear readers. How should I proceed? I have a few ideas, but I'd like to hear yours. I am considering contacting the clergy member he recommended (or this dude himself) for a face-to-face meeting. Because that would be super fun.
I am also considering writing a letter listing all of things I have done that violate Catholic rules. I think making a comprehensive list would be super fun. If the church won't let me defect, then I will get excommunicated...which will be significantly more fun for me, and probably a lot more annoying for them.

My letter to them would look something like this.

Reasons to Excommunicate Me

• I have had premarital sex while using a condom.
• I use contraception on a regular basis.
• I have acted upon homosexual desires (and will do so again).
• I watch pornography.
• I support same sex marriage.
• I vote pro-choice.
• I have assisted women in getting to a medical center where they can obtain an abortion.
• I actively speak out against the pope's authority.
• I refer to belief in god as "silly, superstitious magic."
• I have not sought reconciliation for over a decade.
• I refused to get confirmed.
• I do not tithe.
• I frequently give money to secular and atheist charities.
• I work for an atheist organization.
• I am an atheist and do not believe in any supernatural deities.
• I organized a book tour for Richard Dawkins.
• I think the Catholic Church is a disgusting and morally reprehensible organization that protects child rapists and has helped spread AIDS in third world countries.
• I will publicly destroy a Bible and a magic Jesus cracker if you will not excommunicate me.

Is this enough to get me excommunicated, you think? Any other suggestions are totally welcome!

Suggestions from people:

• I masturbate. 
• I am engaged to a person of the same sex.
• I deny that the holy spirit exists.
• The bible is made up nonsense.

Can I Hate Catholism Any More? You Bet.

I made a post recently about my defection from the Catholic Church, and apparently Catholics are on a rampage to make me hate them even more.


There exists a group called the "Catholic League." The Catholic League exists to "to safeguard both the religious freedom rights and the free speech rights of Catholics whenever and wherever they are threatened." As we all know, it must be difficult being a member of the largest denomination of the largest religion in the world. What next, an organization defending white men? (Oh wait, we already have that.) 


The Catholic League also "defends the right of Catholics – lay and clergy alike – to participate in American public life without defamation or discrimination." 


Are Catholics really discriminated against? According to the CL's website....

Harvard professor Arthur Schlesinger, Sr. once observed that prejudice against the Catholic Church was “the deepest bias in the history of the American people.” Mount Holyoke College professor Peter Viereck commented that “Catholic baiting is the anti-Semitism of the liberals.”
And today’s brand of anti-Catholicism is more virulent and more pervasive than ever before in American history. While it is true that Catholics as individuals have made progress in securing their rights, the degree of hostility exhibited against the Catholic Church is appalling. Quite simply, Catholic bashing has become a staple of American society.

 So....what you're saying is, you want to be able to profess your beliefs in public without discrimination? Huh. Which makes this next part really interesting.


The CL is launching a campaign called "Adopt an Atheist."

Here’s what our campaign entails. We are asking everyone to contact the American Atheist affiliate in his area, letting them know of your interest in “adopting” one of them. All it takes is an e-mail. ...
If we hurry, these closeted Christians can celebrate Christmas like the rest of us. As an added bonus, they will no longer be looked upon as people who “believe in nothing, stand for nothing and are good for nothing.” [emphasis mine]

So a group that supposedly stands to stop discrimination is...openly discriminating? Cool! Where do I sign up? Oh, they're even kind enough to link to the American Atheists page-- oh wait, no, they didn't, they just copied all the state directors and hosted it on their own page. Well, here's a link to the AA page of directors, whom you can contact and talk to so you can let them know they're doing a bang-up job. You can also go here to donate to AA for Christmas!


Anyway, this campaign is obviously silly and patronizing. I have no specific empirical evidence to support this assertion (but if you do, I'd love to have it), that there are more Catholics becoming atheists than there are atheists becoming Catholics currently. 


The CL directs these evangelical Catholics to  "Let them know of your sincere interest in working with them to uncover their inner self. They may be resistant at first, but eventually they may come to understand that they were Christian all along." Right, except for the fact that WE KNOW MORE THAN YOU. Atheists know more about religion than do religious people. In fact, Catholics scored pretty low.

Catholics don't even know about their own religion. According to the Pew study, "More than four-in-ten Catholics in the United States (45%) do not know that their church teaches that the bread and wine used in Communion do not merely symbolize but actually become the body and blood of Christ." That is because if they knew that, they would probably leave their ridiculous religion. That's why the Catholic church deters people from reading the Bible and making their own conclusions about it; because if they did, they would realize how messed up the Bible and church teachings are and leave. You expect me to believe that this stale cracker is literally the body of some dude who died over 2,000 years ago? 

But of the whole campaign (which has already been destroyed by JT), I think the thing I find most patronizing is this picture:

Seriously? If any Catholics go through with this (and dear FSM, I hope they do), it will not be like taking a young child to a park and holding them up in front of a sunset. It will be a fight, and we will win. There are no atheists out there thinking, "You know, I wonder if there's someone who loves me so much that he cast original sin upon me, then exempted one woman from that, who he then magically impregnated to raise a kid who would then die in a torturous and horrible way, only to come back to life and have people write four confusing and contradicting gospels about. Yeah, that makes sense." Here's how I envision a conversation between me and a Catholic going about the Immaculate Conception:

Catholic: "Mary was born free of any sin!"

Me: "Well of course she was, all babies are, how can babies commit sin?"

Catholic: "Well, babies don't commit sin really, but we're all born into sin...it's called original sin, and it's from Adam and Eve's first sin of disobeying God."

Me: "So wait, we're all born with original sin, even though we didn't do anything wrong?"

Catholic: "Well, yes. But Mary was born free from that! God exempted her!"

Me: "So why doesn't God just exempt all of us?"

Catholic: "Well, we don't deserve it. [Insert more blather about god and forgiveness and blah blah blah.]"

Me: "God sounds like kind of an asshole."

The long story short is that Catholicism is ridiculous dogma, and the Catholic Church is an evil organization that hates women, children, and anyone not-straight. I hope Dave Silverman over at American Atheists really capitalizes on this and invites the shitty Catholic League to, ahem, bring it. Because guess what? We can take it.

My defection from the Catholic Church

That letter is my formal defection from the Catholic Church. Like many people, I was baptized as a baby, and since water was dropped on my head before I could talk, that means the church owns me forever!

Not anymore. I got my copy of a defection letter from here (PDF) and found the address of the church diocese that I was baptized at here (for US only). I filled out my info, and since the church doesn't want to lose me as a member, I wrote on the back "I request confirmation of my defection from the church sent to [address]. Thank you for your prompt attention." I then wrote my name and email underneath it. (Many thanks to my coworker JT for being my witness.)

It may seem stupid or unimportant to some of you. That's fine. For me, it's a big deal. I was a Shi'ite Catholic (to quote Jim Gaffigan), so to officially renounce it...feels good, man. Also, the Archdiocese of Milwaukee has  over 600,000 members-- which is outrageous when you realize the metro population of Milwaukee is approximately 1.5 million. The Catholic Church is also the largest denomination of Christianity in the world, exceeding 1 billion members.

I don't want to be counted in that number. I don't want them to pray for me. I don't want them to keep sending requests for money to my parents' house for me. I don't think I need to go through the details of why the Catholic Church is a horrible institution. If for some reason you don't know why the church is so awful, I highly suggest you watch the Intelligence Squared debate with Christopher Hitchens and Stephen Fry. If you ever needed more reason to dislike the Catholic church, this will do it (or if you don't hate the Catholic church-- this will make you).

And considering it only takes a few minutes to do (I mean, the letter is already written for you and everything) and the cost of a stamp...it's worth it to me. I feel good about it. If you do it, leave a comment and let me know! Stop supporting this homophobic, misogynistic, and pedophilic organization. I'll post an update when I get a response from them.

(By the way, if you're in the mood for a laugh, definitely watch the Jim Gaffigan clip about Jesus and religious people. It's hilarious.)